L.C. made me think about forgiveness
images: Wikimedia Commons and iStock and Adventure and Sunshine
Yesterday I was at the concert of Loyle Corner and OMG, it was amazing! (If you don't know this guy, I recommend listening to his music. You won't be disappointed;))
The songs he performed created such a vibrant energy in the room and made me feel so alive like I haven't in a long time. One song and its story, though, really stuck with me. It is called "HGU," and it is about forgiveness. In his case, he told us, it's about forgiving his dad. He said that by forgiving his dad, he set not only his dad free but also himself. This one sentence has made me think a lot, and I wonder if forgiveness is something I have been missing out on or not considering for living a more peaceful and free life. That's why I want to look into the topic of forgiveness. What is forgiveness? How does it look in action, and how can I apply it in my life?
Reading through different websites and research papers about forgiveness, I realized that this is a complex field, which is impossible to cover in one blog post. For that reason, I'm just going to name here facts and information which I think are helpful for me in terms of understanding and using in my day-to-day life.
So let's dive in; what is forgiveness?
According to the Cambridge dictionary, to forgive means to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done or not punish them for something (cambridge dictionary). In other words, forgiveness is giving up any thought of revenge or harm, even when it might be justified. From the understanding of the psychologist Fred Lurkins, however, it means making peace when you don't get something you want in life. I.exp. You wanted a loyal partner, but you didn't get that because you found out they cheated on you or wanted a present parent, but they weren't in the picture (virtuels for life).
Furthermore, it's realizing that nobody owes you and that you don't have to take the hurt you suffered and pay it to someone else. With that, you give the coming moments in life a next chance (What is forgiveness?).
Moreover, it's important to clarify that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. They are distinct concepts. Reconciliation is when two people or more restore their relationship after having an argument or being harmful towards each other (cambridge dictionary). That means reconciliation depends on the offender offering an apology or reconciling afterward, whereas forgiveness is an internal process and does not require that. With forgiving, you don't have to rejoin a relationship or find it okay what this person has done to you (forgiveness: who does it and how they do it?).
How can you forgive?
Steps to forgiveness
According to a berkeley article by Fred Lurkins, there are three mean steps you can take to learn to forgive (what is forgiveness).
Before you can forgive, it's necessary to grieve. The first step of grieving is acknowledging the harm done by others or yourself entirely. This can include a lot of painful work, like therapy, which can also take a long time. In general, it's important that coming to a point where you are ready to forgive can and usually takes time.
The second step is to feel all the feelings you associate with the negative experience. Be miserable for some time and give those feelings room to be felt.
The third and final step of the grief process is the understanding that what you are grieving can't be a secret. Share it with a few selected people you know it's a safe space to share it with. This can be a therapist, a self-help group, or somebody from your family or friends, etc.
When you go through these three main steps, you can reach a point where you feel ready to forgive, aka, where you transform your emotional response to the negative experience. You understand now you have other options than continued suffering. But remember that doesn't mean you forget what happened to you or even apologize for it. It just means you have a different perspective on it. And this, I think, was what Loyle Carner meant when he said that by forgiving his dad, he set himself free.
Steps to make grieving and forgiving easier
There are a few things you can do to cultivate forgiveness, or one also could say to make you more ready for when you have to deal with traumatic events you want to choose to forgive (how to practice forgiveness):
Identify a minor harmful situation or a moment of injustice, though It shouldn't be an event of trauma for you.
Practice self-compassion when identifying this minor harm and the feelings that come up because of that. Self-compassion is the ability to draw mindful attention to those feelings and thoughts and allow yourself to have these feelings no matter how they look, as well as offering yourself care around those feelings in the same way you would as a friend.
Broaden your perspective of the wrongdoer, aka try to put yourself in their shoes and consider the other factors that lead to that harm or injustice besides the devious intentions. What can help with that point is to ask yourself what you would have done if you had been in the situation of the wrongdoer.
Practice a loving-kindness meditation. It helps you leave space for your painful experience while trying to extend compassion toward the wrongdoer. In the psychology article, Daven Smallen states: "In this meditation, you extend sentiments of care first toward yourself—as you did in the self-compassion exercise—but then follow this up with sentiments of care offered toward the wrongdoer. For a loving-kindness practice, I like to use phrases suggested by Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg. First, you direct care towards yourself: "May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healed," repeating these phrases and noticing the feelings and thoughts that arise. Then you can direct benevolent phrases outward to the person who caused harm: "May you be safe, may you be happy, may you experience health."
Start journaling to have a tool to give your thoughts more structure and order, which helps you to see your process more clearly. Ask yourself what was easy and difficult in this practice and what it was like to extend compassion to yourself and the wrongdoer. Did your response to the event of harm or injustice change or stay the same in the process?
How can I apply this to my life?
I think I have been in an extended state of resentment towards my dad and especially towards myself, and that's probably why I was so drawn to what Loyle said about forgiveness.
I noticed that over time I just started to experience frustration and anger, which felt like a heavy stone on my chest. I have been and still am very angry and frustrated at my dad for always thinking to know what's best for me and how I'm supposed to live my life, but I'm also mad at myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself and just doing my thing no matter if it fits in his picture of the "ideal life." Because of that, I sometimes feel this desire to yell or argue with him or bring myself down, and for a long time, I have been asking myself why I'm doing this because, in these particular situations, there was absolutely no reason to argue or yell at him, at least on the surface it looked like that.
After collecting this information about forgiveness, however, I understand now that I always expected him to apologize for being so controlling over me because I thought this was the only way I could finally move on and do my own thing. I knew deep down, though, that this apology would never come because in his eyes nothing was wrong, even if I confronted him with my point of view. By being angry at him and arguing with him for "no reason," I thought I could give him back the suffering I was experiencing, which ultimately should open his eyes and make him understand what I was feeling. It was like an approach of the reversed method, "put yourself in their shoes," which should lead to an apology and, therefore, a new start for me. And honestly, writing this down and rereading it makes it sound awful, but yeah, that's just how it has been ,#realpost. I now know I can't change him. He only can change him if he wants to.
That's why I decided to practice forgiveness towards him and myself because I don't want to be consumed in this anger and frustration anymore. I want to stop looking at our relationship in a complete black-and-white pattern; not everything is bad about him. I want to respond differently to this situation and the feelings I have because of that; hopefully, this will bring me peace of mind. I will practice the three steps of grieving to reach a place of forgiveness. Especially the second point I want to emphasize because I just wanted to make this anger and frustration go away for a very long time without actually feeling them deeply. Besides that, practicing this meditation method will help me have more compassion for why he does what he does and also, journaling about this journey will help me.
And last but not least, I have to remind myself (over and over again) that forgiving my dad and myself doesn't mean I can't finally start standing up for myself and start doing the things that feel right to me, even if that means it disappoints him, I "let him down" or make him unhappy.