on her ideas and thoughts she meets through her life

anouk's view

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WABI-SABI: A Japanese philosophy, which embraces change and the imperfection that comes along with that 

Introduction

With growing older, I noticed how my interests changed over time. Some things I have loved and felt close to stopped serving me. Instead of thinking: it’s okay not to like the same stuff anymore because

a) I’m not the same girl I was a few years ago and 

b) It’s a natural part of life to evolve and outgrow certain parts,

I somehow resisted that. I often wonder why I did this, and sometimes I still do this to this day. It’s like I spend all this energy thinking about how it doesn’t feel right and what my dreams could look like instead of actually starting to embrace the change and go after my dreams.

And I think I do this because of fear; the fear of disappointing others, having an argument as a result and defending myself. The fear of regretting it later to have left this side of my life behind. The fear of not being able to handle the consequences.The fear of letting myself fall into the uncertainty and not knowing what it looks like with every step along the way. The fear of not having this perfect plan laid out. The fear of taking the wrong turn along the road. 

Yes, this fear has many different faces and tries to hold me back. I realize now that I let it do that because it made me think that clinging to the known and the certainty creates this perfect and stable life. 

But there is a concept from Japan that lets go of certainty and perfection and embraces the unknown, the uncertainty and the change that comes with engaging with the unknown. Its name is WABI-SABI. Have you heard of it? If not, you might wonder what it means and what it includes. 

The definition of Wabi-Sabi

So, the term WABI-SABI cannot be accurately translated into English, but the English language found a way to describe it. The meaning of both words that make up this term has evolved over time. Both started with a negative connotation, which has disappeared with the passing of the centuries. Today wabi expresses tranquillity, rustic simplicity and beautiful imperfections. The other half of the term, sabi, describes the beauty and calm in what is mature or age. Wabi-Sabi, as a whole, is a concept that describes a way of seeing life. It cherishes change, growth and the imperfection that comes with that. It includes many different aspects and is found, for example, in nature, art, philosophy, and architecture. Still, one quintessence translated in all aspects is that life flows forever. It never remains the same—the only constant in life is change. And therefore, there is nothing to cling to; however much we want that. The only way to become fulfilled is to embrace the change and not resist the flow. This point of view finds its roots in Zen Buddhism. It’s actually one of the “keys of life,” which are: 

  • The impermanence of all living things

    • The first key describes how our identity, emotions, and thoughts constantly flow. It shows the passing of time and the short-lived nature of our existence. 

  • the suffering or impossibility of satisfying all our desires 

    • The second key describes our constant desire for more and the continuous dissatisfaction that comes with that. This dissatisfaction is converted into a kind of emptiness, which drives us to fill it by wanting more. Therefore the word suffering is not understood in the western sense of feeling severe pain but is closer to the meaning of constant dissatisfaction we experience daily. We feel more harmonious and happier by learning to close the gap between our current reality and the “more”.

  • emptiness or nothingness. Absence of the self, of the ego

    • The third key describes the state of presence. It’s a state we experience just in the here and now. We don’t add or eliminate anything; we simply form part of it. This means we don’t feel emptiness at this moment because we don’t feel trapped by worldly desires and don’t think we need to add or eliminate something to get it. 

image: Istockphoto

My light-bulb moment

I understood that looking at life through the lens of WABI-SABI and having the three keys of life in the back of my mind makes it easier to accept change and let go of the idea of perfection. As I’ve already written, WABI-SABI sees life as a subject of constant change. Therefore nothing can ever be complete. And since perfection is a state of completeness, nothing can ever be perfect. Seeing it that way makes it easier for me to let go of this idea of perfection because if I never can reach perfection, what is the point of getting there? With that being said, however, I don’t mean stop giving your best and don’t try to do things right, but instead of going after perfection, strive for excellence. Simply do the best you can at the moment you are, and as the person you are in this moment.

I think there is something so relieving about that because it allows me to be and try out different things without this expectation of having it figured out right away or doing it perfectly. For me, it creates this space to expand and grow in different directions without resting it.

But I also know now that this realization needs practice because I need to become familiar with this way of thinking since I’ve been thinking the opposite way all my life. How can I become familiar with it? Besides the time, I need to figure out different ways to integrate it into my day-to-day life. That’s why I will read more about how to make it part of my life and write more about it in my next blog post. So stay tuned;)


Footnotes


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What surfing has taught me

image: istock

Two weeks on Fuerteventura

Two days ago, I returned from my surfing trip from Fuerteventura, Canary Islands. I spent almost every day trying to get better at surfing, and even though I've learnt so much, I'm still far from where I would like to be. 

When I started these two weeks, my goal was to surf green waves with no problem, and even though I got to this level, I didn't surf one green wave with no problem. I fell more than I was standing (lol), missed the right timing pretty often, wasn't paddling enough, and faced many other struggles. 


Because of that, one could think when I got home, I was ready to quit, but to be honest with you, I haven't had that fun and felt that motivated in a very long time. And I wondered why that is… 

The reason why I didn’t quit


I think one reason is that by being in the ocean and trying to surf, I quickly realized that focusing on the technical aspects and getting the waves as soon as possible would only take away the joy for me. Why? Because my timeline for "getting it right" was just not realistic and very goal but not process oriented. (Which, by the way, is something I noticed in other areas of my life as well) Switching this tunnel perspective to a more open one, which meant focusing on the technical aspects and creating the right mindset, made me enjoy surfing regardless of how successful I was in the moment. Because of that, I know now that focusing on establishing the right way of thinking and practicing the technique will, at some point, pay off.  


That's why I want to share a few lessons I've learned regarding having the right mindset in the water because these lessons are helpful not only with surfing but in our day-to-day life. As a side note: isn't it interesting how everything we do is so intertwined and connected that we can take a lesson from one experience and apply it in another? 

Lessons that stuck with me

  1. When you decide to try a wave, commit to it 100%. You need to be entirely determined to make the wave. 

  2. It's already a win in trying to take a wave even when you fail to surf it. Because In the learning process, it is less about getting the wave perfectly but rather about experimenting with the waves and learning to understand why something worked or didn't work. With that approach, you focus on the process instead of the final destination because with surfing, at least from my understanding, there is always something to learn; in other words, there is never a complete finish line. 

  3. Two key ingredients to developing surfing skills are: practice, as in repetition and reflecting on it, and patience, as in enduring the 1 million times you mess up because you believe in trying over and over; there is something in it for you.

  4. Learn to take a wave with calm and focus even when it feels super stressful. When the wave picks up speed, you slow down mentally. First, this allows you to stay present and makes you enjoy the moment more and second, it also helps you to do the techniques correctly, giving you a higher chance to succeed with your wave. 

  5. Remind yourself that slow progress is still progressing, even if it doesn't feel like it. Progress is progress, regardless of how long it takes. 

  6. You cannot avoid struggle. Struggling is part of the game of becoming better. Without struggle, there is no growth. 

. 








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Why does failure seem to stick in my mind so much longer than success?

images: istock

the reason why I wrote this post

Here is a little insight into my story to make more sense of why I wrote this post. 


In the summer of 2022, I had my first exam period at law school. So successfully writing them meant completing my first year of law school. 


The 1.5 months leading up to this time were honestly one of the most horrible times of my life. I neglected everything regarding sleep, wholesome food, quality time for myself, etc. In other words, it was just me and the books. But when I was supposed to have a study strategy, I just tried to learn everything in the books. Deep down, however,I knew that this wasn't working, but with the time running, I felt like I didn't have enough time to determine how to study smarter. Instead, I just tried to study harder. But the harder I tried and the less all this information seemed to stick, the more anxious and panicked I became. 
At this time, I just ignored all these feelings until I couldn't anymore…


One morning, before leaving for one of the exams, I had a panic attack, even though I surprisingly felt pretty good on this day. On another morning, while already sitting in an exam, panic overcame me again. I remember sitting there and not seeing the letters on the exam paper; everything seemed blurry, and I couldn't absorb or comprehend the information I was supposed to. Even thinking back on this experience gives me goosebumps. After waiting a few months, I got the test results back, which were (obviously) bad; I didn't make it, I failed. 


It was hard to accept that I failed at it because I always thought I had potential in that field, but getting those test results back seemed to prove me otherwise. I was scared of what other people would think of me, knowing that I failed these exams and instead of showing up with kindness towards myself, I was so incredibly mean to myself; failing these exams seemed to me like I was a complete failure. On top of that, almost all my friends I made during this year passed the exams, which meant they knew what came after their first year. I didn't know what to do or what came next… In other words, I was utterly overwhelmed by the situation but did not have the energy to focus my mind on solutions. 


But after a summer of travelling and having some distance to that time, I decided to try again. It was a scary image of me sitting in these exam halls again and writing these exams, but somehow I knew I had to face my fears and try again. 


Fast forward, I had them at the beginning of January of 2023 and last week I got the results back. And let me tell you, I passed! Yes, omg, I passed! Reading the results, which were so much better than in the summer, I felt this rush of excitement and joy overcome me. I could feel how the pressure and the fear fell off my shoulders. It was a great moment. But as quickly as these feelings of joy and excitement rolled over me the faster they vanished in the background, and I started to think predominantly again about the summer of 2022 and what I have to keep improving on to make this never happen again. 

Looking into the science

So, what's going on here with me? Why does this time of failure stick harder in my mind than this big success?


To answer this question, we have to go way back in time; in fact, to the time when our ancestors, the cavemen, travelled around the earth. They had to be cautious of any potential threat or danger to survive. The ones who were more attuned to danger and paid more attention to the bad things in their environment were more likely to survive, which meant they had a bigger chance to hand down their genetics, which made them more attentive to danger (What is the negativity bias?).


Even though our lifestyles are vastly different today from how our ancestors lived, we still have this type of wiring in our brains, where focusing more on the negative than the positive is a way to keep us safe. This adaptive evolutionary function is also known as the negativity bias. It's our tendency to remember, learn from and attend to negative events unproportionally more than positive ones. This asymmetry of how our brain thinks was proven in various experiments (3-steps-negativity-bias). 

I.exp. in one of the many conducted experiments, psychologist Alison Ledgerwood and her colleagues asked the participants of two groups if they liked the current governor. They said to both groups that statewide budget cuts were expected to affect about 10'000 jobs when the governor took office. To One of the groups, though, they said that under the current governor's leadership, 40% of these jobs had been saved. As a result this group liked the current governor and thought he was doing a great job. The rest of the participants read that under the current governor's leadership, 60% of these jobs had been lost, and as a result, they didn't like the current governor; they thought he was doing a terrible job. It’s very interesting to see that even though both statements to both groups had the same meaning, just with different wording, the groups judged the governor differently. To one of the groups the psychologist emphasized the negative side and to the other group the positive side was pointed out. 

In the second round of the experiment, they reframed the information for the first and second group. For the first group, they reframed the information in terms of losses, and now they didn't like the current governor anymore. For participants in the second group, they reframed the information in terms of gains, but surprisingly that change didn't matter to them. The participants still didn't like the governor. In other words, the negativity bias hit (a simple trick to improve positive thinking). 

The big gorilla unseen

But why did these people from group 2 focus on the negativity even after reframing their picture of the situation to the positive? Why did they get stuck in one way of thinking about it? 


A way to answer this question is by bringing the lens on how our attention works. Two psychologists, Arien Mack and Irvin Rock, showed in their research that even though our brain consumes all the impulses through our sensory organs, our mind might never become aware of all that information. In other words, what we perceive might be something we are not aware of. Crucial to what we become aware of in our conscious mind is where we bring our attention and focus to.  


In an experiment that went viral on Youtube in 2010 (check it out below), the viewers were asked how often people with a white shirt pass a ball. When asked what they saw, most viewers proudly announced the number they had counted the ball pass, not realizing they had missed a gorilla walking through the group of people. Connecting this experiment to the concept of the negativity bias, the experiment shows that a negativity bias is a negativity attention bias. Once we focus on the negative side of things, we reshape our perception into seeing negative things. We might be so focused on counting all the adverse events in our life that we entirely miss the positive gorilla in the frame (Why your brain has a negativity bias).



Tips and Tricks to overcome the negativity bias

We know now that negative information sticks more to our brains. Because of evolutionary reasons, we tend to bring more attention to the loss frame. We can, however, learn to redirect our attention to a brighter side. Here are a few tips to unlearn the negative thinking pattern: 


  • Start doing breathing meditation. A study conducted in 2011 by Kiken and Shook found that practicing mindful breathing, a form of meditation, increased positive judgments and engaged higher levels of optimism in participants (Why is the news always so depressing).

  • Break the cycle of ruminating on things and spiral down a negative mindset with an uplifting activity such as (What is the negativity bias?):
    - going for a walk
    - listening to upbeat music 
    - Cook your favorite meal 
    - Read a good book

  • At the end of the day, talk not only about what went wrong but also about the stuff that was good. Because in this way, it also helps you to see things more balanced and most of the time, you will realize your day was pretty decent after all (a simple trick to improve positive thinking).

  • Learn to appreciate micro-positive moments in your life. For example, you are waiting for the bus and the red sky in the morning is glowing over you, or you are eating a delicious meal, or you are having a laugh with one of your friends and so on. There are so many moments that feel so insignificant at first but actually help you see life's hidden treasures. If you don't know where to start, an exercise called "Mindful eating" from psychology today can help you with that (What is negativity bias and how can it be overcome?).


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L.C. made me think about forgiveness

Yesterday I was at the concert of Loyle Corner and OMG, it was amazing! (If you don't know this guy, I recommend listening to his music. You won't be disappointed;)) 
The songs he performed created such a vibrant energy in the room and made me feel so alive like I haven't in a long time. One song and its story, though, really stuck with me. It is called "HGU," and it is about forgiveness. In his case, he told us, it's about forgiving his dad. He said that by forgiving his dad, he set not only his dad free but also himself. This one sentence has made me think a lot, and I wonder if forgiveness is something I have been missing out on or not considering for living a more peaceful and free life. That's why I want to look into the topic of forgiveness. What is forgiveness? How does it look in action, and how can I apply it in my life? 

Reading through different websites and research papers about forgiveness, I realized that this is a complex field, which is impossible to cover in one blog post. For that reason, I'm just going to name here facts and information which I think are helpful for me in terms of understanding and using in my day-to-day life.

So let's dive in; what is forgiveness? 

According to the Cambridge dictionary, to forgive means to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done or not punish them for something (cambridge dictionary). In other words, forgiveness is giving up any thought of revenge or harm, even when it might be justified. From the understanding of the psychologist Fred Lurkins, however, it means making peace when you don't get something you want in life. I.exp. You wanted a loyal partner, but you didn't get that because you found out they cheated on you or wanted a present parent, but they weren't in the picture (virtuels for life). 

Furthermore, it's realizing that nobody owes you and that you don't have to take the hurt you suffered and pay it to someone else. With that, you give the coming moments in life a next chance (What is forgiveness?). 

Moreover, it's important to clarify that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. They are distinct concepts. Reconciliation is when two people or more restore their relationship after having an argument or being harmful towards each other (cambridge dictionary). That means reconciliation depends on the offender offering an apology or reconciling afterward, whereas forgiveness is an internal process and does not require that. With forgiving, you don't have to rejoin a relationship or find it okay what this person has done to you (forgiveness: who does it and how they do it?). 

How can you forgive? 

Steps to forgiveness 

According to a berkeley article by Fred Lurkins, there are three mean steps you can take to learn to forgive (what is forgiveness). 

  1. Before you can forgive, it's necessary to grieve. The first step of grieving is acknowledging the harm done by others or yourself entirely. This can include a lot of painful work, like therapy, which can also take a long time. In general, it's important that coming to a point where you are ready to forgive can and usually takes time. 

  2. The second step is to feel all the feelings you associate with the negative experience. Be miserable for some time and give those feelings room to be felt. 

  3. The third and final step of the grief process is the understanding that what you are grieving can't be a secret. Share it with a few selected people you know it's a safe space to share it with. This can be a therapist, a self-help group, or somebody from your family or friends, etc.

When you go through these three main steps, you can reach a point where you feel ready to forgive, aka, where you transform your emotional response to the negative experience. You understand now you have other options than continued suffering. But remember that doesn't mean you forget what happened to you or even apologize for it. It just means you have a different perspective on it. And this, I think, was what Loyle Carner meant when he said that by forgiving his dad, he set himself free. 

Steps to make grieving and forgiving easier 

There are a few things you can do to cultivate forgiveness, or one also could say to make you more ready for when you have to deal with traumatic events you want to choose to forgive (how to practice forgiveness):  

  1. Identify a minor harmful situation or a moment of injustice, though It shouldn't be an event of trauma for you. 

  2. Practice self-compassion when identifying this minor harm and the feelings that come up because of that. Self-compassion is the ability to draw mindful attention to those feelings and thoughts and allow yourself to have these feelings no matter how they look, as well as offering yourself care around those feelings in the same way you would as a friend. 

  3. Broaden your perspective of the wrongdoer, aka try to put yourself in their shoes and consider the other factors that lead to that harm or injustice besides the devious intentions. What can help with that point is to ask yourself what you would have done if you had been in the situation of the wrongdoer. 

  4. Practice a loving-kindness meditation. It helps you leave space for your painful experience while trying to extend compassion toward the wrongdoer. In the psychology article, Daven Smallen states: "In this meditation, you extend sentiments of care first toward yourself—as you did in the self-compassion exercise—but then follow this up with sentiments of care offered toward the wrongdoer. For a loving-kindness practice, I like to use phrases suggested by Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg. First, you direct care towards yourself: "May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healed," repeating these phrases and noticing the feelings and thoughts that arise. Then you can direct benevolent phrases outward to the person who caused harm: "May you be safe, may you be happy, may you experience health."

  5. Start journaling to have a tool to give your thoughts more structure and order, which helps you to see your process more clearly. Ask yourself what was easy and difficult in this practice and what it was like to extend compassion to yourself and the wrongdoer. Did your response to the event of harm or injustice change or stay the same in the process? 

How can I apply this to my life?

I think I have been in an extended state of resentment towards my dad and especially towards myself, and that's probably why I was so drawn to what Loyle said about forgiveness.

I noticed that over time I just started to experience frustration and anger, which felt like a heavy stone on my chest. I have been and still am very angry and frustrated at my dad for always thinking to know what's best for me and how I'm supposed to live my life, but I'm also mad at myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself and just doing my thing no matter if it fits in his picture of the "ideal life." Because of that, I sometimes feel this desire to yell or argue with him or bring myself down, and for a long time, I have been asking myself why I'm doing this because, in these particular situations, there was absolutely no reason to argue or yell at him, at least on the surface it looked like that.

After collecting this information about forgiveness, however, I understand now that I always expected him to apologize for being so controlling over me because I thought this was the only way I could finally move on and do my own thing. I knew deep down, though, that this apology would never come because in his eyes nothing was wrong, even if I confronted him with my point of view. By being angry at him and arguing with him for "no reason," I thought I could give him back the suffering I was experiencing, which ultimately should open his eyes and make him understand what I was feeling. It was like an approach of the reversed method, "put yourself in their shoes," which should lead to an apology and, therefore, a new start for me. And honestly, writing this down and rereading it makes it sound awful, but yeah, that's just how it has been ,#realpost. I now know I can't change him. He only can change him if he wants to.

That's why I decided to practice forgiveness towards him and myself because I don't want to be consumed in this anger and frustration anymore. I want to stop looking at our relationship in a complete black-and-white pattern; not everything is bad about him. I want to respond differently to this situation and the feelings I have because of that; hopefully, this will bring me peace of mind. I will practice the three steps of grieving to reach a place of forgiveness. Especially the second point I want to emphasize because I just wanted to make this anger and frustration go away for a very long time without actually feeling them deeply. Besides that, practicing this meditation method will help me have more compassion for why he does what he does and also, journaling about this journey will help me.

And last but not least, I have to remind myself (over and over again) that forgiving my dad and myself doesn't mean I can't finally start standing up for myself and start doing the things that feel right to me, even if that means it disappoints him, I "let him down" or make him unhappy.


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